bravery

I just realized I've never lost something really important.

My body's relatively fine, not much as happened to it, almost all its flaws were there form the very beginning. I got some slightly unlucky set of coding I guess.

My family's alive. Torn apart but alive.

And all I've really lost are years. Ten years of void instead of growing up, but even that paid off somehow. And it might sound cynical. Idk.

But that night. I could have died. And not even because of my stupidity, but for someone else's useless bravery. We did not run, even though I wanted to. I panicked (and now I see that's something I tend to do often) and yet I did as I was told. We stayed and I could smell the smoke.

I'm not brave,  I can see it clearly.

That's obviously not the reason that makes me a Griffindor. I am not brave.

I get so damn scared, feeling like a trapped rat, all quick breathing and shaky movements.

And that is why I might look brave.

Feeling trapped, nothing to loose. I'd probably leash out on a grizzly,  too scared to realize that I'm in no danger, I have choices.

I'm not brave.

I just wish shit was easier. I wish I was brave. I wish I could fight for me and my friends.  Be useful.

But I'm not brave.

I'm scared I do my best and I think I'm useful.

Like a stupid dog, I turn around expecting a praise after barking off the fat lazy neighbour's cat, and I get pitying looks and some awkward statement about how unnecessary it was.

...

I guess it just... hurts, and that's the most descriptive I can seem to get about my feelings.

It hurts.

I do my best and it is so not ok it actually hurts.

But I can definitely see how this whole thing took me where I stand now. Just me.

And yet.

Haru loves you.

First part of my cosplay

So.

My mind keeps having mental break downs and I don't know why but it's a thing that's happening so I'm just gonna deal with it.

And I'm doing it.

I hope I'm doing it well.

But, incredible, that's not the point.

The first part of my cosplay arrived on friday and I'm terrified.
And glad.
But still terrified.

Because now there's no going back. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna touch the booty. I'm gonna cosplay it.

My fave character. That reminds me of myself somehow. In a really weird way.

Who suffered through some deep shit and got out. Messed up, but got out.

I love that dork.

Now more that ever I love that dork so bad I could just hug this huge idiot and cuddle all the way into oblivion.

And I'm gonna do it.

And it'll be so damn embarrassing because now everyone knows I love this character and all its flaws in such an unironic way I could die.

But the first part arrived and I tried it and I'm so madly in love with everything.

You may not believe me but I'm writing this and my fucking kokoro is going all dokidoki and I'd rather get killed than say something like this if I didn't mean it. It's so embarrassing I really don't even know HOW this could happen.

*breathes*

but I tried the first part of my cosplay on and it was amazing.

I'm so full of hope I wish I didn't have and... it's wonderful and awful and everything in between. I feel so close to this character.

You know what they say "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".

I'm so not sure about which one is better but I feel like I could barf either way so I guess it just sucks. But in this huge shitstorm I guess the first one could hurt in a way that might, at some point, bring a smile with it.

That's all I'm gonna say about it. About this awesome character and my undying love and how I am SURE it'd be a fucking Griffindor don't even try to bring this up with me I'll murder your family.

I'm gonna go hug my cosplay now.

My legs feel numb.

Haru loves you.