martedì 2 dicembre 2014

To you 20 years from now...

I tend to read a lot of fanfics as you probably already noticed.

I read them because they keep me company here in this small shithole where I live and I kidn of owe the fanwriters for being able to write this in English in the first place... and I can say I speak English better than Spanish that is my second native language... but I guess that says more about how bad I am at expressing myself in Spanish than how good I might be with English.

But still. I read a lot of fanfics.

Because I feel like I learnt a lot about romance from all those super-romantic stories (what about my parents having a weird relatioship that sure as fuck was not love??) and I love them.  I love reading fluff. I love smutty stuff as well.

I don't read angst, just cute nice things with happy endings. I love that.

But what I wanted to say is that I think it's pretty cute how a lot of fanfics tell of undying love that starts when the protagonists met at a very young age.

They might be neighbours, classmates or just random childhood friends but they really really lover each other and so they just stuck together and lived happily ever after.

Let me tell you that's cute as fuck.

But that does not happen irl.

Or at least that did not happen to me. That did not happen to anyone I know. Nobody's still friends with their childhood BFF and I sincerely think that my old friend form primary school is definitely not my kind of girl. And I am definitely not her kind of boy. (not being a boy at all plays an important role in that last part.)

Also the sweet humans I hang out with lately... and not even old friends. I met all of them in the last three years and I'm 23 y.o. so... we didn't really share a good part of our life. No romantic "knowing everything of eachother for platonic reasons" and only a small amount of "sweet and awkward memories about each other" so... that wouldn't really be super-romantic story material.

YET.

And that's something that makes me feel good about stuff.

(Lately things are being kinda rough and I'm really starting to worry and overthink stuff. I should stop, I know.)

I am 23 y.o. (and a half-ish??) and I am still young!

Statistics say that I'll probably live something like 80 years so I've lived something like.... 1/4 of what I can expect to live??

I can still meet someone that at some point will be able to say that has known me for so long that is actually more than half my life.

And that puts my mind at ease.

The fact that I do not have someone that stuck with me for long until now doesn't mean that I won't ever have someone like that. I might even have met them already, in this three years!

But it'll take 20 years more to tell.

That's cool.

mercoledì 5 novembre 2014

Family and then not.

Have you ever heard of Droplets?

It's an awesome fanfiction written by Vee. It's a JeanMarco and I literally love it, like a lot of other awesome fics about this ship, I guess I recognize myself in Jean far too much to be healthy and Marco's just this adorable dork. I wish I had someone like him.

But Droplets is pretty different. This fic tears your heart apart and I guess it just went and poked me the wrong way for I am about to tell you about my family.


I used to live with my mom, my dad and my younger brother (two years younger) in the top flat of a three story house. My grandma (dad's mom) lives on the first floor and my bedroom's in her house, technically speaking.

I don't really think my parents were bad parents, I guess they just did things like they thought was better for me and my brother. Too bad it worked like shit and we're both pretty fucked up. I'm the lucky one out of the two of us, my brother's into drugs and his life's been pretty shitty with dyslexia and dyscalculia and a lot of other small problems to ruin everything.
I'm the lucky one because I stopped resenting him for my shitty life a long ago (my parents really didn't take care of me like they should have because he had a lot of problems) and because I was smart enough to face all the crap life threw at me and overcome it without my parents support.

Of course it had bad consequences for me, but I'm not gonna talk about it.

What I wanna talk about is that my brother started rehab a couple years ago and I started seeing a therapist to unscrew my brain.

We're both doing pretty good so far.

We'd probably have done better if my dad didn't turn out to be a complete ass a year and a half ago.

He cheated on my mom.

With her best friend.

A friend that we saved from her abusive husband, let sleep in our house and took care of her kids. We helped her get a new house.

She's a shitty human, I know.

So my dad left. He's now living with that woman, taking really good care of her kids, like he did not do for me and my brother.

He took them to see HTTYD2 and never wanted to read a single manga od watch a single episode of FMA when I asked him to. He goes to the park with them and when I was 7 y.o. I had to go alone with my 5 y.o. brother taking care of him. He takes him to school in the morning but I had to learn to wake up alone when I was 10 because he didn't want to get up earlier to make me breakfast. He stays with them during Christmas and random holidays but I hardly ever saw him on those days and stopped getting gifts when I was 11 y.o.

I don't blame him for leaving my mom. Their marriage was shit and I told them so when I was 9 y.o. but they just told me I was a kid and I was wrong.

I blame him for leaving me and my brother, when we most needed support, for choosing to be with a woman that knows no respect or gratitude and for giving a random kid stuff he never bothered to give me and my brother.

I'm ashamed of being her daughter, ashamed of looking like him and having a name he dared to give me before ignoring me and giving my grandma the burden of raising me (she's old, I don't blame her for doing a half assed job).

I hate him for being such an idiot. I hate him for teaching me that family is the only thing you need and tearing it apart when some woman offered to suck him off.

I'm upset with my mom for not leaving him earlier, everytime they fought we used to go see aparments in Cuneo to escape but never did, and I'm upset with her for being upset because I know he does not deserve her time or her energy, even if she isn't the brightest crayon in the box.
Because she might not be as smart as him, but at least she did not leave us to deal with our crap. And I'm not even talking about me: I did shit alone all my life, I can still do it, I'm talking about my brother that needs help and has such a hard time letting people get close.

I despise him for forcing all his paranoid crap down my throat and for making me feel like my whole life would have been about fighting every single human for food. For telling me that friends aren't real and that people would hate me no matter what.

But there is something that I am proud of.

And that is myself.

I am proud of being me, of doing stuff on my own, counting on my friends and my mom and brother. On my work. On my money.

Lucca Comics and Games 2014.

That is something I did without asking him anything. It was all made with my own struggle, time and money.

And I did not only do it. It was GREAT. I helped organizing shit he wouldn't ever have dreamt of organizing, I got a free pass for four days to a huge event and met awesome people that were happy to see me.

Fuck off dad.

Watch me use your genetics like you were never brave enough to.


Shout out to all the lovely kids that have awful parents:

You can go on and be great. You can show them how good you are. You can do it by yourself. You are not like them. You are good enough and brave enough to make it.

Haru loves you.

giovedì 16 ottobre 2014

Pent up

I keep doing the Red Riding Hood thing.

(mom: don't wander into the wood!

Me: *finds herself in the wood* well fuck)

But I NEED to let out my extra energy! (and I can't see raised hands when I'd be up for good nice company so whatever)

I end up at night in the middle of the wood with weird noises conveniently drowned out by my blaring headphones. I love it.

It's getting kinda cold lately so I've been putting on my frog-beanie and it's so comfy! I've missed it during summer~

But I don't wander in the woods just because of pent up energy, I walk a lot when I need to thing or sort out stuff. I daydream a lot while walking and play random scenarios in my head. They're usually epic magical-girl battles or just fights (I walk faster and really helps with pent up emotions and stuff I can't process yet). Usually I end up impressing my crush and that's pretty dumb but hey, I can dream!!

Today I feel like I found out some weird patterns that usually make me really upset.

Now I should really work on it to try and overcome it. I've got the feeling I still miss something about it but I'll get it right at some point and it'll all be ok.

For now I feel like I'm moving in the right direction.

Haru loves you.

venerdì 3 ottobre 2014

Young and Beautiful

Wanna know what's werid?

Being sick.

Ok, maybe being sick isn't weird, it just sucks but lately when I'm sick it feels pretty weird. Thank's God it's not something that happens often.

But you know how it is, you feel like crap and do your best not to throw up and just end up in your bed spending your day on the internet and stuff. While people are doing actual things because their guts are collaborating to have a normal life.

I guess that's why nobody's ever online when I'm sick, because they're fine and living. At school or work. Doing healty human things.

The point is that I've got nobody to talk to and it's so BORING.

So boring that after doing everything that I could possibly do I still have a lot of time left to think. And you know that thinking never leads to a happy ending. Thinking just pulls all that forgotten crap to the bright sunlinght and I swear if I forgot about it I had a good reason. Thinking doesn't care about reasons tho.

So besides being sick I am now sad as well.

Actually I made myself sad, then I tried to help someone and ended up even sadder. Then I decided that some good old OTP would help me but RiRen just made me even more sad.

SAD.


I didn't think that something called YOUNG and BEAUTIFUL could turn me into this upset... thing... I am right now. And yet, here I am.

It is indeed beautiful, but come on, thisa fandom already has enough angst, why would we go and make it this painful??

I've got no answer and still I am SAD.

Haru loves you tho

mercoledì 24 settembre 2014

Stalking and panic

Hello and welcome to the super new episode of- no ok, I'll stop.

I know it is pretty stupid to write it here but please don't tell anyone.

I am currently stalking someone.

Not bad stalking, I'm not  secretly snapping pictures of them changing their underwear or checking what they threw out this morning. I'm not a bad stalker, come on.

I'm a nice stalker.

People would pay to be stalked by me, I'm such a silent and smart stalker. I'm a fox. I can follow you and you'd never know.

...

I'm a beast.

But putting my awesomeness and bad jokes aside, I am stalking someone. Also I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one doing it since they're somewhat of a celebrity (?)

...also my crush.

Yeah I know I'm fucked. But I can't bring myself to care about it, I mean, when I was 15 y.o. I met a writer who got to be with her fave singer for something like YEARS and I guess that gave me some sort of pretty bad example on how to deal with impossible crushes so here I am. Stalking.

Just for the sake of it, because they live so far away they could live with a leg in Satan's mouth and it wouldn't really make any difference.

Haru's kinda broke, can't pay for such a loooooooooong flight.

So.... basically I am just doing it to feel somewhat close to them. I'm getting more info about climate, temperature, timezones, sun up and down, moon rising and stuff like that so that I can imagine how it feels right now where they live.

BUT I'm not here to talk about them. ( aaah... them. <3 ) I don't want to give you any clues on who they might be and stuff. Not your business.

What might be your business (?) is how I feel about it and what I think about.

And I am currently thinking about how can someone not look like some obsessive fan and more like a normal human, to a celebrity?

Fuck me if I know.

But if you know you could tell me, I'd LOVE to know, considering I have absolutely no way to meet them in person for something like months. Several months. And only for... days. A few days.

Also I seem to suck at all the flirting thing, I don't even want to know how bad I'll suck at stuff like trans-cultural flirting. I mean I'll probably just greet them and accidentaly insult their whole family plus the dog and trying to apologise I'll threaten to piss into their grandma's ashes so yeah.

Yeah.

This post was originally started because I wonder if I can somehow give people warm and loving looks or if my eyes are just naturally set on my "I am dumb but I still consider you inferior and I hate you" look. That'd be a weird look to give while trying to be sweet.

So that's it.

I'm open to suggestions and ideas that I know won't come since people only write me when they need help. Little bastards.

But Haru still loves you.

domenica 31 agosto 2014

bravery

I just realized I've never lost something really important.

My body's relatively fine, not much as happened to it, almost all its flaws were there form the very beginning. I got some slightly unlucky set of coding I guess.

My family's alive. Torn apart but alive.

And all I've really lost are years. Ten years of void instead of growing up, but even that paid off somehow. And it might sound cynical. Idk.

But that night. I could have died. And not even because of my stupidity, but for someone else's useless bravery. We did not run, even though I wanted to. I panicked (and now I see that's something I tend to do often) and yet I did as I was told. We stayed and I could smell the smoke.

I'm not brave,  I can see it clearly.

That's obviously not the reason that makes me a Griffindor. I am not brave.

I get so damn scared, feeling like a trapped rat, all quick breathing and shaky movements.

And that is why I might look brave.

Feeling trapped, nothing to loose. I'd probably leash out on a grizzly,  too scared to realize that I'm in no danger, I have choices.

I'm not brave.

I just wish shit was easier. I wish I was brave. I wish I could fight for me and my friends.  Be useful.

But I'm not brave.

I'm scared I do my best and I think I'm useful.

Like a stupid dog, I turn around expecting a praise after barking off the fat lazy neighbour's cat, and I get pitying looks and some awkward statement about how unnecessary it was.

...

I guess it just... hurts, and that's the most descriptive I can seem to get about my feelings.

It hurts.

I do my best and it is so not ok it actually hurts.

But I can definitely see how this whole thing took me where I stand now. Just me.

And yet.

Haru loves you.

lunedì 11 agosto 2014

First part of my cosplay

So.

My mind keeps having mental break downs and I don't know why but it's a thing that's happening so I'm just gonna deal with it.

And I'm doing it.

I hope I'm doing it well.

But, incredible, that's not the point.

The first part of my cosplay arrived on friday and I'm terrified.
And glad.
But still terrified.

Because now there's no going back. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna touch the booty. I'm gonna cosplay it.

My fave character. That reminds me of myself somehow. In a really weird way.

Who suffered through some deep shit and got out. Messed up, but got out.

I love that dork.

Now more that ever I love that dork so bad I could just hug this huge idiot and cuddle all the way into oblivion.

And I'm gonna do it.

And it'll be so damn embarrassing because now everyone knows I love this character and all its flaws in such an unironic way I could die.

But the first part arrived and I tried it and I'm so madly in love with everything.

You may not believe me but I'm writing this and my fucking kokoro is going all dokidoki and I'd rather get killed than say something like this if I didn't mean it. It's so embarrassing I really don't even know HOW this could happen.

*breathes*

but I tried the first part of my cosplay on and it was amazing.

I'm so full of hope I wish I didn't have and... it's wonderful and awful and everything in between. I feel so close to this character.

You know what they say "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".

I'm so not sure about which one is better but I feel like I could barf either way so I guess it just sucks. But in this huge shitstorm I guess the first one could hurt in a way that might, at some point, bring a smile with it.

That's all I'm gonna say about it. About this awesome character and my undying love and how I am SURE it'd be a fucking Griffindor don't even try to bring this up with me I'll murder your family.

I'm gonna go hug my cosplay now.

My legs feel numb.

Haru loves you.

martedì 29 luglio 2014

New Colour

I hope to find you as soon as possible.

I'll take you to my AU.

Where everything's the same but we're not insane,

We're great.

The next step of evolution,

The final expression of freedom.

The correct approach to life.

You and me, we're nothing but variations of the same theme,

Complemental prototypes of the same absurd project,

concretizations of the same concept,

different ways of being humans, sharing our freakness.

It's not hard to tell us apart,

your green locks are unnatural as all the colours that light up my life.

Why, then,

Why can't I tell where I stop fighting for myself and start standing up for you?

That's how you became an extention of my ego,

Your calm and resolved behaviour something I crave.

I wanted you so much that you became mine,

a new part of me that I cherish so much.

lunedì 28 luglio 2014

Black Hole

Idek.

"It's so weird to look back at what's happened in my life lately. There's this... black deep hole that's like just behind me. Weird stuff happened, everything felt like a huge and unnatural amount of bad luck and that's what I think it was. Bad people, bad choices, bad instinct, bad everything.

Someone I let in found a way to completely undemine my self-confidence and even if this all was a bad luck accident I'm pretty sure I'll never really give up on this almost silent sore feeling for this person. I can't seem to let it go and I know I probably won't.

I know it'll push me forward for half my life.

I feel sorry, tho. For everything. For me, for my friends, for my past and for my future, for this person as well. Because I was trying to help. Help everyone. Show everyone how nice things could be, how perfect everything would turn out if they just as much as considered my directions.

But it did not happen.

And it's fine.

It's fine because I feel it'll all turn out fine. The people who stuck by my side give me a good vibe and someone got lost along the way and it's ok. I care, but I know I should not.

I should let it go and I'm doing my best to.

But things will be fine, the air itself smells like nice things coming our way and the movement feel so focused and armonious, like the whole universe is just being the stage for some huge and awesome event. And I can't wait (joke's on me I guess).

I... I think I need this. Deserve this. Just like I needed that huge hole I fell in last spring.

I don't know if anyone's feeling this right now or what. But I'm glad.

Deep down I'm glad."

Haru loves you

venerdì 18 luglio 2014

Excited and feeling like shit

I'm beginning my eternal jurney of work and tears to get my cosplay for Lucca Comics done.

And I'm just gonna write down here why I'm feeling excited and like shit at the same time while doing and even planning this.

As I said in my last week's vlog (it's in Italian, sorry) I'm not gonna tell you which character is it and not even the fandom.

What I can definitely tell you is that I'm anxious because it's one of my fave characters. Ever.

I usually love characters that somehow remind me of myself, basically because I feel like I can understand how they feel and think, and sometimes I can even relate to some of their experiences or choices. They usually have a weird sense of humor and just try to act all smooth (and sometimes fail at it epically) while they're just huge dorks. Also they're usually disinterested (or act like it) in all the stuff going on ultill shit gets real and at that point they just leash out and wreck some shit. Because it needs to be done. And if it needs to be done and none's willing to do it they just have to step up and save the damn day.

That's why I love them.

They're not really self confident. They had to act like it because of random reasons but in the end they're just damn kids (regardless of age) and are scared shitless by life and anything, but they don't give up.

They try to have things their way and when they can't and have to face the awful reality just wipe off their tears and pick up their sword (yep, it's usually swords... kinda funny) and fight for their lives and what they believe.

And I am just madly in love with them all. Meaning that I'm not looking for a person like this irl (the perfect girl/boy for me has a different personality) but I'd just love to be like them because I think they're awesome.

And... I am aware of being like them already. Of course I'm far more balanced, because I'm not a stereotype (I'd say because I'm real but life keeps denying my existence so...) and they actually have this huge flaws just to make them look real even if they don't...

But I never ever feel like I'm enough to be like them. At all.

That's the main reason that got me to hide my next cosplay.

It's a character I LOVE TO BITS and I... I feel like I'm just not enough. Even though I even compared height and weight and it could kinda match... even though I can feel how bad every emotional blow might have felt in its place...

Basically... I'm pretty self confident untill I see my fave characters.

They've got the power to make me feel like shit compared to how cool they are and, well... I feel like shit just thinking about my cosplay.

BUT I'm gonna do it.

Because I spent a lot of time thinking about it and I even talked about it with some REALLY close friends and I came to the conclusion that I really need to get id of this thing that triggers my self-loathing.

I have to do it to try and make good memories of me cosplaying as someone I love deeply, so that I won't be scared to death of cosplay and I'm feel like it's ok if I cosplay someone I look up to.

And this might all seem prety dumb but if you think I'm an idiot you're probably right and wasting your time reading an idiot's blog so we're kind of even.

If you don't think I'm an idiot...

Haru loves you <3

venerdì 11 luglio 2014

Yarn and checkpoints

I guess it's just like being in a maze.

You have to cross that damn thing so you just take a huge ball of yarn and get in. So every time you loose your way you can go back to where you started off and try again.

And I think that's what I'm doing.

Lately I've been pretty unhappy. I was demotivated and I didn't feel like fighting to accomplish stuff. Of any kind, actually. Be it school, work, social life, spiritual stuff or well... whatever. I was completely out of it, just wondering stuff like "why am I even breathing?".

And that exact question is usually tells me that I'm really not ok.

So I did what I had to do... I asked for help.

At first I asked Rika and Shane and they did their best to cheer me up and try to solve all the knots in my head but... it was pretty hard this time.

I had completely lost sight of my goals.

And without goals in which I believe... I just don't move.

I still don't really get what put me in that damn bad mood.

I'm trying to figure it out but I suspect it was just a series of slightly bad choices and probably some awful people I happened to meet and befriend... they're all gone now. It looks like I was still too cheerful and... "Haru" for them, even if what they got to know was an Haru in such a bad shape I'm not even sure I'd call it an Haru (?)

Anyways. Just like in a maze I slowly made my way back to where I started.

Now I've got more knowledge and experience, I hope I can avoid making the same mistakes.

But most important thing is that I remembered so much stuff that just a year ago was so so so important for me and at some point I just kind of... forgot about it.

I didn't remember where my love for red and lions came from, or where did the name Miwa come from and what it implied, or just... why I'm into all this stuff that does not even make completely sense.

The point is that I'm into stuff as long as it's fun.

Everything in my whole life is like it is because at first I wanted to have fun and you know what? That's the best decision I've ever made.

As long as I have fun everything's fine.

When it stops being amusing it'll get shitty and upset me.

So just... fuck it.

I've got the right to choose what to or not to do, and I realize right now why I felt so close to Virus and Trip, but seriously. If I'm not having fun doing stuff I really can't see the point of doing it in the first place. If I'm not having fun with someone I can't see the point in keeping up any kind of relationship...

So this is my first valid checkpoint following my super-rad yarn (it's the colour of fire and sunshine and smirking foxes) and I'm gonna start over from here.

And I already made my first move from here.

But it's a secret!

Haru loves you

domenica 15 giugno 2014

Shingeki no Kyojin

Well... guess what I just saw?

SHINGEKI NO KYOJIN?

Yeah how did you know?

Ah, the title of this post? I see... I should stop making dramatic spoilers in titles, shouldn't I? Oh, you say that's what the title is for? Well shit.

Now back to the topic!

.+*+. SPIOLERS .+*+.


If you speak italian I've got good news for you!

You can watch this video about my opinion about SnK and just get over with it! YOOOO



If you don't you'll have to read this post about it, I'm sorry.

First things first!

I hate Eren. He's an idiot. I'd punch him in the face every time he opens his mouth to speak.

Aaaaaand.... well it's kind of embarassing... but I really love Jean. I think he's the only one that had any sense (untill a sudden death fucked him up and made him just about as stupid as anyone else).

Also Annie was somehow a smart girl but well... we all know how it ended and if you don't you should watch it and get to know how it ends.

Also I know that it's not the end at all.

The manga goes on from where the anime ends but GUESS WHAT? I'm not gonna read it.

Because... I was a super happy girl walkign around on tumblr but then I took what looked like a spoiler to the knee. And I guess Jean's gonna die around chapter 58 or something like that.

And since I'm such a child when it comes to my fave characters dying, aka I stop reading coz I hate it all and I'm gonna pretend I don't care but I'm gonna kill whoever decided that killing that character was fun or necessary.

So... yeah I'm just gonna stick to the anime and drown in my little puddle of denial.

Also I didn't cry when Marco died. Because I didn't really get how bad it was for Jean (but the corpse made me feel kinda nauseous).

I nearly cry over fanfics tho and now... I really feel bad every time I think about it.

I SHIP THEM SO HARD IT HURTS.

Last time a ship hurt that much I was elbow deep in DenNor and reading Gutters by Glassamilk. I cried my eyes out that time.

If you know of a fanfic that's just THAT sad about Jean and Marco... please tell me. And I won't read it untill someday when I'll think I can take it and I'll find out too late that NOPE I CAN'T ABORT MISSION ABORTI MISSION but it'll be too late and I'm gonna curse me, you, this blog and the writer for life.

Well, gotta go now.

Haru loves Jean you.

mercoledì 11 giugno 2014

TC and HFW ftw

So...

It's been a while I know.

I just suck at keeping up blogs and stuff, sorry.

I've been not really busy but... well whatever.

One of the most important things is that I was at Torino Comics and I really liked it!


Thanks to Simone Forelli for the great picture! I really love it!

This is the first cosplay I really enjoyed doing and wearing. The past ones were either characters I didn't think fitted me well or I didn't really know much about so... I really liked being Gamzee at this con! owo

I was with Rika (Feferi) and Shane (Eridan), we had a lot of fun and met other homestucks!

I expected homestucks to be more, tho.

But it was awesome and I look forward to do more cosplays and go to more cons like this one.


I also chopped off my hair because I was tired of how long it was so during the Harajuku Fashion Walk in Turin I had short short short hair!




Everyone was so fab! I just can't wait for the next one to see them all again!

Haru loves you!

mercoledì 2 aprile 2014

Hospital

I guess this is kind of important.

Being a nurse (nearly) I heard a lot of stories about "how it feels when you're about to faint" and it sounds like it's something you absolutely notice, no matter what.

You start to sweat, you feel weak, your sight gets shitty and then you're on the floor waiting to wake up.

Well, I experienced it yesterday for the first time in my whole life.

And first of all... it's pretty shitty. But let me tell you hw things went...

I didn't sleep, or if I slept... they were some bad z's. That's because my tummy hurt like a motherfucker. But I didn't think anything of it. I mean I ate a lot of fastfood and unhealty stuff during the weekend so it made sense.

I decided to get up and get something to drink, I was pretty sleepy and my legs felt somewhat wobbly but... why would that be weird?
So coming back to my room I felt really tired and looked at my bed. Just a few steps.

All I remember is my butt hitting the floor and then I woke up on the floor.

And the I threw up. A lot.

Later I went to the hospital since I couldn' get up without fainting again and the doctor told me I got gastroenteritis. The one with pretty high temperature.


But the point is not the gastroenteritis.

The point is that fainting can feel like a lot of different things and that's what makes it so shitty.

For me is just feeling confused and seeing weird brownish pixels at the edge of my vision but that's not how it feels to everyone. So if you never experienced it, when you're feeling strange or weak or whatever... just sit down, whereever you are and wait for it to go away, and ask for help and get checked up.

Because it could be nothing, but it could be pretty serious as well.

Haru loves you.

domenica 23 marzo 2014

Ever.

Hello there!

I think you all remember the dramatic scene from Pile of cells. No, of course you don't, I know. Because I didn't give a crap about people reading it so I didn't spam it at all. owo

Anyway now you know about it and what I wanted to tell you is that... she did notice, I did tell her and she DID want this useless pile of cells!

And I'm glad!

I am now ready to tell you all!

Her name's Claudia and she's cute, adorable and omg I reaaaaally like her! owo

We're gonna go on a date next week and it'll be sooooo cool, I just can't wait to see her and hug her! It's been a while (a week? a week and a half?) since the last time I saw her! And also last time I still thought this was all some one-sided sad-as-fuck feeling so I didn't do much. Or talk to her much.
God, I was trying so hard not to stare at her or just randomly blush when she smiled çAç so so so hard.

MY KOKORO WAS GOING ALL DOKI DOKI

and I couldn't help it .-.

The week before I had to deal with a lot of random anxiety because I would remember at random times that she was coming over and I'd just... panic. I did my best to make it all perfect (and failed epically) for her and omg. SO. MUCH. PANIC.

I'm not even used to it. I'm a calm girl I do not panic, I never panic... until I do. çAç That shit's creepy ok? I do not like being all anxious and stuff. I hate it.

My life, my mind was so fucked up I stopped talking to her for three days straight, right after meeting her, because I felt like shit just thinking about her being disappointed about me, my house, my food, my cats, my family... hell, everything. I even felt bad for my fucking washing machine. MY WASHING MACHINE. Ok, now you know I can panic.

I really hope this won't happen never ever again. Ever. I don't like it. I want to be calm and the happy-go-lucky girl I usually am. No panic. Not ever. EVER.

Haru loves you.

(ever.)

mercoledì 19 marzo 2014

Honk

Hello there!

In case you were wondering... I had a little chat with this girl and DID NOT TELL HER, but she might not hate me so yay *^*

Also everyone's telling me she might even like me so I'm happy and I'm def gonna keep flirting. I'm even trying to make it a bit more... evident? Idk.

Anyway I'm happy.

And... I've been working on my cosplay for the Torino Comics!

I'm gonna cosplay as Gamzee Makara from Homestuck.


I'm cosplaying as him even if he's not my fave character (that'd be Dave) and even my favourite alpha (is he an alpha?) troll. That'd be Sol. Definitely Sol.

But I like him, I think he's pretty funny untill... uh... well you know.

SPOILER

I don't really like sober Gamzee, he's still pretty funny now and then but I really can't get over the fact that he randomply killed Equius and Nepeta.
I'd also feel even worse since I'll probably be hangin' around with a sweet Nepeta çAç
I feel so guilty. (?)
Anyway that's why I'm not a sober Gamzee and I'll be a sweet deeply on drugs miracle-blinded Gamzee <3

He's so adorable. Just like a kid.

END SPOILER.

So...

I've got my shoes done and my horns are nearly ready!

I still have to make the dots on my pants and the shirt's being printed *^* I can't wait to put it all on!

Also I'll be using snazaroo's colours light grey and white (I plan on using white for some random shironuri as well).

I'm waiting for the wig. I'll have to style it, or better, Rika will style it.

She's lucky I don't have my horn yet or else I'd be randomly honking at her during the styling process XD

Yup, I'm just that horrible.

Well if you'll see a Gamzee at Torino Comics you know it'll probably be me! I don't think there'll be other Gamzees (?)


Haru loves you!

domenica 16 marzo 2014

Pile of Cells

So, today's kind of a weird day.

Ok, all of my days are weird, so probably they're just plaind boring days and I'm completely insane.

But today that's not the point. Or maybe it is. Idk.

Anyway I've been getting a lot of news about the girl I like and stuff and... I feel like crap.

But I'd better start from the beginning and it's that... I just had a rad weekend and I slept something like 4 hours in the last two days so I'm probably just having a random mental break down.

The girl I like is like... woah. She's awesome. I really really like her and I feel so happy when I'm with her and I'm a little awkward shit so she probably does not know at all or just ignores me.

If she's ignoring me... that'd break my heart, brain and everything. But it's fine and I'd just get over it hiding all the shit under the mat an stuff.

Omg I'm such an idiot.

Well anyway I've been getting news about her and I'm sad as fuck because she probably thinks I am the worst thing in the whole world so... yay.

I'd just give up and fuck off but I'm so tired of getting over her and falling fo her again the first time I see her or talk or chat or even hear her name. I'M SO TIRED of not being able to go on.

So I'm just gonna keep flirting. And I do not flirt because I don't know how to so I'll just keep being randomly nice to her with little invisible things that she does not notice so yeah.

I'm a useless pile of cells and salty water, what am I even.

Haru loves you

mercoledì 12 febbraio 2014

I'm not cute.

In this past week I've been sick, I've felt sad, alone, hopeless and... alone again and... well I felt like shit ok?

This all started because I noticed that some people who claim to like me (like... more than friends?) don't really talk to me.
I mean, they chat with me but they don't know anything about me because... they don't ask.

All out chats are like


How are you?

I'm fine and you?

Awwwww so cute! You're fine! So sweet *^*


And the same happens for... anything I say. It's just... a constant reminder about how cute/sweet/adorable I can be... while doing anything apparently.

Am I the only one who thinks this is fucked up?

I'm not even that ok with the idea of being cute (it's kind of the adorabloodthirsty thing from homestuck) but I can somehow deal with it.
Since I'm a girl and being a short girl will just give everybody the right to assume you're innocent and need someone to defend you from all the bad guys out there.

Bitch please.

But most of all... do I look like I have some kind of lack of affection or... hell idk. I may have some issue with my parents not showing me enough love or stuff but NO.

I do not want to be treated like a puppy. Hell I can be useful and strong and whatever, don't talk to me like I'm some kind of doll whose only purpose is to sit around being cute.

Holy shit.

But then this triggered something else.

What if they do that just because... they don't really care? I mean, they all say they want to be close to OWL and stuff so...

WHAT IF



I'm just the easiest way to get to OWL.

Since I'm the only one that's single.

This really fucked up my whole brain.

But Rika told me that's just how people usually flirt with you when they don't know you.
This is still pretty fucked up since I post and talk about myself so much it hurts (no really, it damages people's brain and patience, I'm sorry) but ok, I'll deal with it.

Haru loves you.

mercoledì 29 gennaio 2014

Tutoring and work

So it's been a while since the last post and the main reason is... I've been quite busy.

I've been at school a lot lately because I'm into this tutoring program for little kouhais (?) in my university.

Students were told to study and then ask me explanations about the topics they did not understand in the chemistry and statistics program.

I'm not even complaining about the fact that they just come to me looking like little lost lambs asking me to explain everything in the fucking program (and I mean EVERYTHING), what got me quite upset is that all of them decided to ask for help something like... four days before the exams?

I really like tutoring and stuff but please, PLEASE, do us all a favour and ask for tutoring at least a week before, so that we have some time to do it and neither of us will have to survive 4 hours straight of chemistry or fucking statistics.

So basically that's what happened. I've been tutoring and I still have two days to go (statistics, omg, I just can't) and on saturday... I can't relax. I'll start working.

I'm kinda anxious about that. I'll work in this hospice, helping the staff during meals and it is something that I did quite often in the hospital during my training as a nurse (?) so I'm not really scared of what I'll have to do. What I'm worried about is the staff itself. It's completely made up of kinda old, close-minded women and I don't know if I'll be able to fit in.

Also my mom keeps telling me it'll be hard and at first I didn't pay attention but now that it's all so close and so real... I'm kinda worried.

I'll let you know how it is.

Now I'll go and get some sleep, today was Rika's birthday and we had a lot of fun, but I'll tell you about this tomorrow I guess.

Haru loves you.

mercoledì 15 gennaio 2014

Teeth

Hello.

You know what? I'm kinda scared.

Every damn actor or singer or whatever has the exact same teeth.

They're all the same lenght, similar dimension and with absolutely innocent looking canines. And it really upsets me.





It's not really important, I mean, they're still hot as hell but it's just like... if teeth are just like fingerprints, unique and stuff... why do they look so alike.

I know, they're fake and stuff.

But my teeth are really different from Rika's or Shane's and the same goes for everyone I know.

They look all the same, it's weird. Looks weird.

Don't get me wrong. I still love all of my idols!

Haru loves you!

lunedì 13 gennaio 2014

Jpop, jokes and... a doll?

Hello!

Yesterday I went to Turin with OWL!

We organized the Jpop themed meet in our region so we met up with a lot of awesome people at 8gallery!

At 8.30 am we took the train heading to Turin even though the meet was scheduled for lunch because we wanted to try a new way to get there and since we're quite good at getting lost... lmao
We didn't get lost though and ended up being there pretty early, but there are a lot of shops and we just wandered there watching shop windows!

At 12 people started showing up and an hour later we finally got something to eat, I was starving!

We played DDR and some other random games and entered some shops looking for good sales! There were some super-cute things but they were still too expensive!

At 6.30 pm we got on the train heading home!

I want to thank everyone that was there and here's a random pic! Even though some people's missing o.o




I got a lot of fun and met new and interesting people! Thank you all!

And also, I'm done watching the 7th season of Supernatural and... that was kind of random. I'm happy though, because insane Cas in the last episodes was hilarious and I really loved the "pull my finger" thing. It was awesome. I really laughed. Damn, Dean and Sam have both a shitty sense of humor, really.
And little Cas needs some encouragement about his jokes.

Anyway I'll start the next season asap because I'm just too courious and also I can't wait to get to the 9th one because tumblr tells me there might be some interesting moments kinda Destiel and I just can't wait.

I can't wait.

Also I was thinking that I might want to destroy my self confidence trying to sew a doll. Not sure if a Castiel doll or a troll doll (not sure if Karkat or what, I really can't decide). I know I'll probably fail at it epically but I guess I'll try. I just need to figure out how to do it... like how to cut the fabric right to make the head and stuff like that.

Haru loves you.